Malcolm explains:

'How could it possibly work?' Her mother asked me. 'Abigail is rich, you are poor, she has had servants to wait on her all of her life and you will expect her to wash and cook and clean - really!'

I felt myself wilting under her scorn. 'We are in love.'

She stared at me for a long time. 'My daughter has a full time maid,' she told me gently, 'three times a day she throws off the clothes she is wearing and expects her servant to pick them and wash them. Her maid helps her get dressed in the morning and undresses her at night. The closest she has even been to a kitchen is to tell cook what she wants for her breakfast - which is served to her in bed by the way. Will you employ a maid?'

I sighed, 'you know I cannot afford to pay for servants.'

'I could easily send her away, to Africa, or India - just until she gets you out of her system.'

'Please,' I begged, 'don't separate us.'

'Are you willing to compromise?'

'I'll do anything,' I declared, 'anything at all - just to be with her.'

Her eyes glittered. I felt uneasy.

'If that's true,' she told me, 'then there is a way you can be together. A way that will satisfy the needs of her family and her friends with ridicule or scandal.'

I had been warned about this woman. She always gets her way, they said, she is utterly ruthless. My stomach churned.

'How?'

'First of all marriage is out of the question,' she said.

'I don't understand -'

'You can live in this house,' she said, 'you can see my daughter every day of your life.' She leaned close, 'you may even share her bed if she allows it -'

I was stunned. Sex with her daughter, without marriage?

'Isn't it obvious?' She asked, 'you become her maid!'

I blinked.

'The only people who would know the truth are my housekeeper and my cook. As they have been with the family for many years they can be trusted to keep your secret.'

'You're serious!' I was curious without being tempted. It was a foolish notion - the rich really are different I thought.

'I am serious. I have in fact given the whole matter a lot of thought. I know it can work. Abigail's maid occupies her own apartment near to my daughter's rooms so she is available at all times. Nobody has any reason to see you or to come into contact with you. With a uniform and a little make-up you can pass anything but close inspection. Abigail is happy. You are happy. I can relax knowing there will be no scandalous rumours. And I give you my word, if you do this and you are still in love with each other one year from today - I'll agree to a private wedding in Canada!'

Only in - MEN AS MAIDS! - in January 2005!