The corrosive effects of role-swapping and power exchange within marriage!
Man's traditional role as breadwinner is changing as women find success in the workplace. The man-about-the-house syndrome is becoming increasingly popular. There are many happy outcomes - but guilt on both sides can destroy the best of intentions.
Dr. Natalie Evans, a psychiatrist specialising in marriage counselling explains
: Masculine guilt is obviously the most common. Even submissive husbands find their innate masculinity a problem. But guilt affects women too, particularly when they suffer from stress at work. 'I found myself taking it out on my husband when I got home. I was irritable, too tired for sex and secretly angry at his stress-free existence.' Says one female executive. Exchanging roles is effective in keeping many couples together. I encourage it. But if the arrangement is not formalised, if they enter into it casually then disaster awaits. A tough, aggressive, decision-making female cannot - and should not - switch off her aggression the minute she enters her home. And the husband who has spent the day washing his wife's underwear cannot be expected to turn into a macho and masterful lover when they enter the bedroom!We examine one such marriage: through the notes and records of the psychiatrist who treated them, and from their own recollections.
Jacqueline had everything going for her; a successful and highly-paid job, a husband who stayed at home and did the laundry, and a fantastic sex life (her words not mine). But feelings of guilt and shame were taking over her life. 'I want to employ a maid,' she told me, 'but Wayne thinks I'm shutting him out of my life. There was a time when I would ask him to iron my skirt, nowadays I hear myself telling him to do it. I hate myself for it but I give people orders all day long. I can't stop myself when I get home. Wayne is starting to think of himself as my servant - and it's all my fault.'
She admitted however that Wayne had never complained or shown any resentment towards his new role - quite the opposite. 'Asking your husband to iron your skirt changes you,' I told her, 'ironing your skirt changes him! Embrace those changes, reinforce them - don't pretend they haven't happened.'
I interviewed her husband separately. He confirmed everything his wife had told me, was bemused by her guilt and readily admitted to guilt of his own. 'Jacky is all the things I'm not,' he said, 'she is confident and aggressive and decisive. She succeeds effortlessly at everything from sex to tennis. I really thought I could be useful at home, but when she told me she wanted a maid I knew I was failing her all over again.' When I gently reminded him that he was not a servant he replied, 'but I'm not a husband either. Her maid will do many of the things I do now. Where does that leave me? If I had done a better job of looking after her she wouldn't need to employ anyone would she?'
There are many couples who remain together when they shouldn't. Jacky and Wayne are not such a couple; they clearly love each other and want to stay together. Their guilt, if allowed to fester, would force them apart. 'If power exchange simply means one partner surrendering rights to the other it won't work for either of you, guilt will see to that. Gender stereotypes can be overcome. But femininity will interfere with a woman's attempts to adopt the role of husband just as masculinity will interfere with any attempt by a man to do 'women's work'. Every single act of housework effectively feminises the husband. Feminisation should be reinforced at every opportunity but is in fact resisted by both of you.'
Dr. Evan's provides them with a step-by-step guide to overcoming their guilt. She starts in the bedroom: 'sex before sleep is nature's way of solving emotional problems. If your husband is too tired for sex, make love to him anyway. Wayne will quickly adapt to your demands. Before you go to sleep tell him how much he means to you. The minute you awake give Wayne his instructions for the day. Be clear about what you expect in terms of housework and dinner.'
Jacky was puzzled. 'You want me to treat him like a wife at night and as a servant in the morning?'
'I'm saying you have already created a wife and a servant and that it's too late to reverse the situation. Wayne knows that you want your own maid. He's willing to be that maid. Stop feeling guilty. You can both be very happy but you are the master of the house, you must take the lead.'
That night Jacqueline forces her attentions on a tired and protesting husband. The sex is unbelievable! Just before dawn she whispers, 'call me Jack!' And the next morning Jacky buys her husband a night-gown! Two weeks later Wayne wears his crisp new maid's uniform for the first time! And Jacky wears her new strap-on!
Is this the marriage of the future? Find out in - MEN AS MAIDS! - in July!
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